How to cook an optimist

Last week one of my friends who has optimism down to an art form got a speeding ticket for going 27 in a 25 mph zone. As the sick person that I am, I was excited to see how she would react. I've known her for two years so I was hoping for this ticket to at least momentarily crush her optimism. I was sorely disappointed. She reasoned that even though she was driving only two miles over the speed limit she was was clearly breaking the law. Even though the cop seemed slightly rude it was likely that he was just having a bad day. She was convinced that there was no way for her to be mad at him.

While I believe that it is great to have a positive outlook on life and to be able to see the brighter side of things. There are times when you optimistic people are just so over the top that you make me want to vomit. I don't care whether you see the glass as half full or half empty. Either way it is only half a glass. People who seem to believe that their glass is completely full all of the time both confuse and disturb me. I am never sure as to whether you are actually happy; or just pretending to make other people like you. Since I believe that everyone should just be themselves and not worry about what other people think, I don't understand why people pretend. If you are only pretending to be happy, STOP! Everyone knows that you're faking it. If you are actually happy all of the time maybe there is something wrong with you, I'm not a doctor so I can't be sure.

All I know is that if I were stranded on an island with several people and one overly happy person, the optimist would be the first to go. I don't want to hear about how even though we are stranded on an island, we are getting to spend more quality time together. I want to hear ideas on how we're going to get off this island. No singing! No dancing! No talking to volleyballs! I don't want some happy person waiting to be rescued sitting on their ass all day. I want someone who is going to trudge into the trees of this island with me to find food and water. Basically, if you are one of these fanatically happy people I would suggest not going on a long trip with me (especially the type where there is a possibility that we might somehow become trapped together). We both know that won't end well, for you at least. Being trapped on an island would definitely be the ultimate test of your optimistic outlook. I would be interested to see how happy you could be with two black eyes and a fat lip. That is before I use you for shark bait. I'm sure that you would believe that you were helping the oceanic ecosystem or something like that. I just know that I would be laughing the entire time.

To text or not to text.

This is my senior year in my undergraduate program and the one constant that I have noticed over my years in college is that in everyone of my classes there is always someone who is paying more attention to their phone than they are to the teacher. Yes, I'm talking about texting. For some reason people seem to believe that if their phone is not making noise and if they are not verbalizing their conversation that they are being sneaky. Well I thought that I would save everyone else the trouble and let you know that your not. We all see you there with your hands in your lap, or pocket typing away like it's going out of style and it's annoying everyone. Maybe you should consider a few things the next time you're about to pull out your phone and start texting away in the middle of one of your classes. Your classmates can see you and it is making them hate you just a little. Not because they are not brave enough to text in class, because you are such an idiot that you are paying for this class and not even paying attention. If you just thought something stupid to yourself such as but I'm on a scholarship", I want you to hit yourself and save someone else the trouble.

If you are one of these annoying people who believes that it is cool to text in your classes you should know that the rest of us don't agree. We are wondering what could be so important that you would risk your future. We are also noticing how annoyed the teacher is and how much they seem to hate you for not paying attention to their class. Did you ever wonder why they always seem to ask you questions when you are in the middle of a text? It is because unlike you they are paying attention, and they have noticed that you are texting in the middle of what I'm sure they believe to be an amazing lecture. They want to make you look like an idiot because you don't know the answer to a question that someone else answered thirty seconds ago. They want the rest of the class to be aware of the fact that if you text in class you are going to be punished. This way if anyone has not picked up on your nasty texting habit they will think that you are a little bit slow.

If after reading this you don't hate yourself even a little for texting in class, please just don't text in a class with me. It is only a matter of time until I snap and do something crazy like grab your stupid phone and throw it against a wall. I know that when I do this you will be in the middle of a very important conversation about who you have a crush on or how drunk so and so was last night. All that I want you to do after you get done telling me that I'm crazy and how you're going to sue me, is to consider that maybe just maybe I have done you a favor.